张致君

我一直觉得，我们这个国家的现实像一块咸鱼，腥味大得可以把路边摊的苍蝇都熏晕过去，可偏偏还有人把它供在堂屋正中，说是“国宝级腌制工艺”。我年轻的时候不信邪，觉得既然现实臭，那就用力洗一洗，也许能洗出点清香来。结果我去医院工作那几年，洗到最后才发现，那不是鱼，是一条已经烂掉的蛇，你越洗，它越腥。

我永远忘不了医院楼道里那些躺不进病房的老农民。他们一个个蜷缩着，像被霜打蔫了的秋菜。有人痛得直哼哼，那声音顺着白瓷砖回荡，听起来就像医院聘请了专业哭丧队。而就在同一栋楼上，电梯一上去，到了高干病房，窗帘是丝绸的，床单是进口的，空气里飘着的不是消毒水味，而是水果盘里的哈密瓜味。最让我意外的是，那些病房还住不满，空床位像一张张白得晃眼的讽刺纸，上面写着：穷人不配生病。

我那时候年轻气盛，看到这种场景就直想骂娘，可骂娘没用，我试过。骂了以后，我被护士长骂回去：“你以为你是谁？你配管？”我那一瞬间明白了一个道理：在这个社会，最不值钱的不是卫生纸，是普通人的命。卫生纸至少还算生活必需品。

后来，我分配去乡下医院跑业务。到了一个穷得能把人眼泪逼出味道的村子。那里的人连穷都穷得很讲究，穷得有层次，有结构，有多年沉淀、无法超越的历史底蕴。一个老大娘热情招待我，端出一碗鸡蛋羹，那鸡蛋黄得像太阳一样灿烂，可我知道，那不是太阳，那是她家一个月的营养配额。我不敢吃，那一口下去，我怕我会吃掉他们家的希望。我正打算把碗推回去，两个光着屁股的孩子扒在窗台上盯着看，眼神比狼崽子盯肉还渴。我的泪水当场掉进碗里，我把碗递过去，大娘一把夺住，又把两个孩子往外赶，赶孩子的姿势熟练得像是在赶鸡。那一刻我才明白：贫穷最残忍的地方不是没得吃，而是教会母亲先赶走孩子，再招待客人。

回城以后，带着满脑子问号去找当官的人。我问他：“当年你们喊着要翻身、要解放、要人人平等，现在咋整成这样？难道你们当年革命就是为了这个？”他嘴里叼着一支高档香烟，看我的眼神就像看一个没见过世面的土鳖：“你懂个屁，这叫阶段性国情。”我听了差点笑死。原来我们吃不上饭，叫阶段性贫穷；看不起病，叫阶段性资源倾斜；活得不像人，叫阶段性过渡。这个国家从来不缺词汇，缺的是把词变成现实的诚意。

后来我有幸出国见了世面。第一次是参加啤酒节。成千上万人一起喝酒、扭屁股、抱着陌生人唱歌，快乐得跟过年拆红包一样。一个老人举着啤酒向我敬酒，他一口闷下去，笑得胡子都抖。我本来想跟着笑，可我脑子里突然蹦出医院楼道上那个呻吟的老农民。他一声声“哎哟哎哟”像被复制粘贴在我耳边。我那啤酒一喝到嘴里，竟苦得像中药。

我以为这是偶然，结果不是。我去看了外面世界的海滨嘉年华。那里跳舞的姑娘个个青春得像刚从阳光里摘出来，她们旋转着、跳跃着，裙摆开合之间能让整条街的男人忘记自己姓什么。一个姑娘拉着我一起跳，她浑身都在快乐，像是把欢乐拆成碎片往空气里撒。我正准备跟着她转几圈，脑海里突然冒出来的是河北山路上拉煤车的少女们——那些少女被煤灰糊得像黑炭，年纪轻轻，背却佝偻得像活了七十岁。我当时腿就软了，舞也跳不动了，像被人在胸口按了一块石头。

最让我难受的是美国的万圣节。我看着孩子们满街跑，装神弄鬼的，笑声能把乌云吓走。美国孩子抢糖，我脑海里却一直回放那个被母亲用扫帚赶走的中国孩子。别人是扮鬼玩，我们是真鬼活。

那几年我走南闯北，看别人怎么活，也看我们怎么苟。我越看越觉得，一个国家让老百姓活得有没有尊严，看广场上人笑得开不开心其实没用，要看的是：穷人能不能安稳睡觉、生病能不能活下来、孩子能不能不用靠赶走来学会做人。

我后来明白，我们国家的现实，是一种奇特的体质：越荒诞的事越能长寿，越正常的事越夭折。就像一个孩子，天生偏食，只吃腐肉不吃新鲜蔬菜，吃久了，竟然吃出了感情，觉得腐臭才是家乡的味道。

有一年，我路过一个新建的小区。大门修得富丽堂皇，像宫殿，进去之后楼间距窄得像棺材。业主们天天在广场舞和装修噪音里争夺生存权，一个广场舞大妈跳得太投入，把旁边晾衣绳给扯断了，半条裤衩挂在她头上。她跳完一曲才发现，摘下来还嫌弃裤衩掉毛。那副样子，比嘉年华还魔幻。

我站在一旁看他们互相对骂，从物业骂到祖宗，一秒不耽误。我突然想起那些在街头把啤酒碰得叮当作响的陌生人，他们喝醉了抱着彼此唱歌；而我们喝醉了，抱着彼此掐脖子。仿佛快乐到了中国，就变得沉重，像背上一口棺材——你越想抬轻，棺材里就越躺进一个人。

我们不缺欢乐，我们缺允许欢乐存在的土地。欢乐在这里像违法建筑，稍不注意就要被清理。

不是我们不会笑，是笑容需要许可证。孩子要在规定的时间笑，成年人得在指定的场合哭，连梦见自由都要小心隔墙有耳，免得梦也犯法。

我常常觉得，我们这片土地像一条无形的绳子，一头绑着现实，一头绑着希望。现实往下拽，希望往上飞，久而久之，那根绳子被扯得像人的神经一样发紧，只差一下下，就可能断掉。断的时候不会响，反而很安静，因为大家都习惯了痛，连喊叫都省了。

有时我走在自己的国土上，会产生一种奇怪的错觉：仿佛空气中漂浮着细碎的叹息声，那些叹息像看不见的尘埃，从尘封的历史里飘出来，又落在每一个人的肩上。有些人感觉沉重，有些人感觉麻木，而更多的人，早已习惯把叹息当成呼吸的一部分。

人们活得像被关在一个巨大的剧场里，剧本早写好，角色分配好，台词都要求背诵。我们从小被训练成适应舞台的演员，却没有人问过我们，想不想下台。

我想起那两个扒着窗台的孩子。他们不知道窗外是什么，但眼神里有一种微弱的亮，是人性最后一根火柴。我怕那火柴被生活的风吹灭，又怕它点燃，却照出我们不敢看的真相。

这些年，我见过很多被生活耗成灰的人。他们年轻时眼睛清澈，像河床里被水冲洗过的鹅卵石，可过了几年，眼神就变成了被煤灰涂过的玻璃，又脏又不透光。有的人忘了自己曾经想拥抱什么，只记得怎样才能不挨揍地活下去。

人只要活得久一点，就能明白一个残忍的事实：并不是所有人都死于疾病、意外或衰老，更多的人死于一种无形的东西——失望。失望慢慢啃噬人心，直到某一天，你对着镜子发现，那张脸已经没有从前的模样。

我有时候在夜里失眠，会突然问自己：我们到底做错了什么？为什么别的国家能让普通人像树一样自然生长，而我们只能像盆景，被修剪、被绑扎、被塑形？盆景确实漂亮，却没有自由伸展过枝丫。

如果一个社会最成功的，是教会人沉默，那它最失败的，也是让人忘了声音。

我走过了许多国家，看过许多街道上不同的影子。有些影子昂首、有些影子雀跃，而我想起我们街道上的影子——它们多数是匆忙、压缩、沉重的，好像影子也怕被现实踩碎。

有一天，我在异国的一条长椅上坐到黄昏。夕阳落下去，光像温柔的潮水一样涂在街道上，把人的影子拉长。那一刻我突然明白：理想国不是一个国家，它是一种让人不必低着头活着的空气。

如果空气是甜的，人就活得像春天；如果空气是苦的，人就活得像冬天。

而我深爱的这片土地——太久没有闻到春天的味道了。

我常常想，如果有那么一天，我们的土地突然安静下来，那会是什么声音？不是沉默的安静，而是一种心里终于放下重担的安静——像一个走了很久的人，第一次停下来，敢深呼吸。

那天，也许不会有庆典，也没有人需要挥舞旗帜。街上的汽车照样堵，菜市场的摊贩照样吆喝，孩子们照样追着气球跑。不同的是，人们的眼神，会悄悄变亮一点点。亮得不夸张，只够照见自己的影子，不再那么灰。

一个真正的理想国，不需要宏大，它应该像雨后的空气一样自然。人走在路上，不再觉得尘土粘在肺里，而是觉得风轻轻擦过脸颊，像在提醒：你终于是你自己了。

我想象有一天，医院的走廊不再躺着挤不进去病房的人。那些曾经哼着痛的人，不是因为奇迹，而是因为制度不再把他们排除在门外。高干病房仍然可以存在，但不再是天空，而只是其中一层楼。病床不再区分身份，医生不再分贵贱，病人进门时不需要低头，只需要报名字。

我想象有一天，孩子们不用扒着窗台流口水看别人吃东西。他们坐在同样的课桌前，不必为户口、出身、背景、关系而战。那天的教室里，最响亮的声音不是老师的教诲，而是孩子们笑声在墙上撞来撞去——那笑声不再害怕被人制止。

我想象有一天，我们不再把沉默当成教养，不再把谎话当成智慧，不再把麻木当成生存技巧。人们走进办公室、工厂、田野、街头、海边，从事自己愿意做的事，而不是为了活下来不得不做的事。丢掉一个工作不会像坠入深渊，而像是渡过河流暂时湿了鞋。

我想象有一天，老人们坐在长椅上晒太阳，不再抱怨“我年轻时怎么怎么苦”，因为他们知道自己的孩子不会再重复老路。他们的皱纹是岁月留下的，而不是忧愁刻下的。他们看着夕阳，不会急着回家，因为无论回哪个家，都是自己的家。

我想象有一天，人们可以坐在同一张桌子上说不同的话，而不会被要求统一口径。争论不再是撕裂，而是修补。不同的声音像不同的种子撒在土壤里，可以争阳光，但不互相拔根。

我的理想国很小，小到用一只手就能捧住。它没有水晶宫，没有金色大门，更没有神降奇迹。它只是让人活得像个“人”——抬得起头，哭得出声，笑得自由。

可我越想，心里越发疼痛。疼得像在胸腔里塞进了一块冰，越捂越冷。

因为我知道，我们距离那一天，不是差一条街、一座城，而是差一层厚得看不见的墙。那墙不是水泥砌的，是很多代人积累的恐惧与顺从堆起来的。

墙外的世界有人在歌唱，墙内的人睁着眼做梦。梦里，天空是亮的；醒来，天花板压得像石板。有人把梦刻在心里，有人把梦藏在枕头底下，有人干脆把梦撕碎，当成纸塞进鞋里垫脚。

我害怕有一天，我们走到生命尽头，才发现自己活得像公园里那种被铁丝绑成造型的树。枝条长得整齐，叶子生得标准，从不越规。可当链条打开，它已经不会自由生长了。

理想国不是给孩子们看的童话，它是成年人不敢承认的渴望。那渴望藏在每一次我们“差点说出口却忍住”的话里。

我相信那一天会来，但它不会像节日一样提前通知，不会有礼炮，也不会有口号。它会悄悄降临，就像春天第一片叶子鼓起来时，没有声音，却改变了整棵树。

等那天来临，我希望我们还有力气抬头，还有勇气认出它。

我害怕的是——等那一天终于来了，我们已经习惯低着头，再也抬不起来了。

我害怕的是——

当那一天无论我们是什么党派，无论是什么背景，无论是什么观点的一群人可以坐在一起的时候，却忘记怎么举起手中的酒杯，忘记笑是什么样子的了。

“A Promise Is No Jest”: My Republic of Ideal

By Zhang Zhijun

I have always felt that the reality of our country is like a slab of salted fish—so pungent it could knock out all the flies buzzing around a street stall. Yet some people insist on placing it in the center of their living room, praising it as a “national-treasure-level curing technique.”When I was young, I didn’t believe in such nonsense. I thought that if reality stank, then surely scrubbing hard enough might bring out a hint of freshness. Only after working in hospitals for a few years did I realize: it wasn’t a fish at all—it was a rotting snake. The more you washed it, the fouler it became.

I can never forget the old farmers lying in the hospital corridors because they couldn’t get a bed. They curled up like autumn vegetables wilted by frost. Some groaned in pain, and the sound echoed down the white-tiled hallway like a hired mourning troupe performing a dirge.Yet in the same building, take the elevator upstairs to the cadre ward: silk curtains, imported sheets, and the air scented not with disinfectant but with Hami melon from the fruit platter. What shocked me most was that even those wards weren’t full. The empty beds gleamed like sheets of white satire, each quietly declaring: “The poor do not deserve to fall ill.”

I was hot-blooded then. Seeing all this, I wanted to curse out loud—but that changed nothing. I tried. After cursing I was scolded by the head nurse:“Who do you think you are? This is none of your business.”In that moment I understood a truth: in this society, the cheapest thing is not toilet paper—it is an ordinary person’s life. Toilet paper at least counts as a daily necessity.

Later, I was assigned to run outreach work for a rural hospital. I entered a village so poor it could squeeze tears out of your eyes just by existing. Poverty there had layers, structure, and a historical depth refined over generations.An elderly woman warmly hosted me, offering a bowl of steamed egg custard—its yellow so bright it looked like a miniature sun. But I knew: that wasn’t the sun. That was her family’s monthly nutrition quota.I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. One bite felt like swallowing their hope.Just as I was about to return the bowl, two naked children clung to the windowsill, staring at it with the hunger of wolf pups eyeing meat. My tears fell directly into the bowl. I tried handing the bowl to the kids, but the old woman snatched it back and shooed them away. She drove them off with a practiced efficiency, like chasing chickens.That was when I understood: the cruelty of poverty is not that there is nothing to eat, but that it teaches a mother to push her children away before welcoming a guest.

Back in the city, filled with questions, I sought out an official.I asked him:“You once shouted about liberation, equality, letting people rise up. How did it end up like this? Was this what the revolution was for?”He held a luxury cigarette between his lips and looked at me as if I were some bumpkin who’d never seen the world:“You know nothing. This is called a transitional national condition.”

I nearly burst out laughing.So: not having enough to eat is called transitional poverty;Being unable to afford medical care is called transitional resource allocation;Living without dignity is called transitional development.Our country has never lacked vocabulary—what it lacks is the sincerity to turn words into reality.

Later, I traveled abroad and finally saw the wider world.My first time was at a beer festival: tens of thousands drinking, twisting their hips, hugging strangers and singing—joy bursting like red envelopes on New Year’s Eve.An old man toasted me, downed his beer in one gulp, and laughed so hard his beard trembled.I wanted to laugh with him, but suddenly the groans of that old farmer in the hospital corridor replayed in my mind—copied and pasted directly into my ears.The beer touched my tongue, but it tasted as bitter as Chinese medicine.

It wasn’t a one-time episode.At a seaside carnival abroad, young women danced with a freshness as if plucked straight from sunlight—spinning, leaping, their skirts blooming in the air, making the whole street’s men forget their own names.One girl grabbed me to dance. She radiated joy, scattering it like glitter in the wind. I wanted to spin with her—But the image that surfaced in my mind was of the coal-covered girls hauling coal on mountain roads in Hebei—faces blackened, backs hunched like seventy-year-olds though they were barely in their teens.My legs gave out. I could not dance. Something heavy pressed on my chest.

Halloween in America hit me the hardest.Children ran through the streets, laughing loud enough to scare away clouds.As they scrambled for candy, all I could think of was that Chinese boy chased away by his own mother so she could offer me a bowl of egg custard.Those kids were pretending to be ghosts.Our kids were living like them.

I traveled far and wide—watching how others live, and how we survive.The more I saw, the more I felt that the measure of a nation is not how loudly its citizens laugh in the square, but:Can the poor sleep safely?Can the sick survive?Can children grow up without first being shooed away?

I eventually understood that our country has a peculiar constitution:The more absurd something is, the longer it survives;The more normal something is, the quicker it withers.Like a child with a strange craving, one who eats only rotten meat, refuses fresh vegetables, and over time develops nostalgia for the stench—calling it the flavor of home.

One year I passed a newly built residential compound.The grand gate glowed like a palace, but beyond it the buildings were packed as tightly as coffins.Residents fought daily—over dance-music noise and renovation noise—competing for the right to exist.A dancing auntie got so carried away that she ripped down a neighbor’s clothesline, ending her routine with someone’s underwear hanging from her head. She didn’t notice until the music stopped—then she plucked it off with disgust, complaining that it shed lint.I watched the entire scene unfold like a carnival dipped in absurdism.

Standing there listening to their insults—spat from property management disputes to ancestral curses—I suddenly remembered those strangers clinking beer bottles abroad and singing in each other’s arms.We drink and grab each other’s throats.They drink and embrace.It is as if joy, once it reaches China, becomes unbearably heavy—like carrying a coffin. The more you try to lift it lightly, the more bodies seem to climb inside.

We do not lack joy.We lack land where joy is permitted to exist.Joy here is treated like illegal architecture—subject to demolition at any moment.

It’s not that we can’t smile.It’s that smiles require a permit.Children must laugh at designated hours; adults must cry at approved occasions; even dreaming of freedom demands caution lest the walls have ears—and dreams become crimes.

Sometimes I walk on my own soil and feel a strange illusion—that the air carries countless tiny sighs, drifting like invisible dust shaken loose from history.Some people feel the weight.Some feel numb.Most have learned to breathe those sighs as if they were oxygen.

People live as though trapped inside a massive theater—the script predrafted, roles assigned, lines memorized.We are trained from childhood to become stage actors, though no one ever asks whether we want to step off the stage.

I think of those two children clinging to the windowsill. They did not know what lay beyond the window, yet their eyes held a faint glimmer—the last matchstick of human dignity.I fear that match will be blown out by the winds of life;I also fear it will ignite—revealing truths we dare not confront.

Over the years I have met many people worn to ash by life.In youth their eyes were clear like river stones polished by running water; in a few years their gaze turned like soot-covered glass—dirty, opaque.Many no longer remember what they once yearned to embrace. They only remember how to survive without being beaten down.

Live long enough, and you learn a brutal fact:Most people do not die from illness, accidents, or old age.They die from something invisible—disappointment.It chews at the heart until one day you look in the mirror and realize the face staring back is no longer the one you remember.

Sometimes, sleepless at night, I ask myself:What did we do wrong?Why can other nations let ordinary people grow like trees—naturally, freely—while we must be shaped like bonsai, pruned, bound, sculpted?Bonsai are beautiful, yes—but they have never stretched their branches freely.

If a society’s greatest success is teaching people to stay silent, then its greatest failure is making them forget what a voice sounds like.

I have walked through many countries and seen shadows cast on many streets.Some shadows stride confidently; some skip in joy.But I think of the shadows on our streets—hurried, compressed, burdened—as if even shadows fear being crushed by reality.

One evening, I sat on a foreign bench until dusk.The setting sun flowed over the street like gentle tidewater, stretching everyone’s shadow long.At that moment I realized:The ideal republic is not a place.It is an atmosphere—one in which people do not have to live with their heads bowed.

If the air is sweet, people live like spring.If the air is bitter, people live like winter.And the land I love—has not smelled like spring for far too long.

I often wonder: if one day our land finally falls quiet, what would that silence sound like?Not the silence of suppression, but of burdens finally being lifted—like a weary traveler who, for the first time, dares take a deep breath.

That day, perhaps there will be no celebrations, no flags waving.Cars will still clog the streets; vendors will still shout in markets; children will still chase balloons.But people’s eyes—will brighten, just a little.Not dazzlingly—just enough to see their own shadows without so much gray.

A true ideal republic does not need grandeur.It should be as natural as the air after rain.People walking down the street should no longer feel dust sticking to their lungs, but feel the wind brush their cheeks gently—whispering:You are finally yourself.

I imagine a day when hospital corridors no longer host patients who cannot get a bed.When those who used to groan in pain are not saved by miracles, but because the system no longer excludes them.Cadre wards can still exist, but no longer as the sky—just another floor.Beds stop distinguishing status.Doctors stop dividing the worthy from the unworthy.Patients enter without lowering their heads—only giving their names.

I imagine a day when children no longer cling to windowsills to watch others eat.They sit at equal desks, not fighting battles over household registration, background, or connections.A classroom where the loudest sound is not the teacher’s voice, but laughter bouncing freely off the walls—laughter unafraid of being silenced.

I imagine a day when we no longer treat silence as refinement, lies as wisdom, numbness as survival.People enter offices, factories, fields, streets, beaches—not to survive, but to live.Losing a job feels less like falling into an abyss, and more like wading across a river and getting your shoes wet.

I imagine a day when the elderly bask in the sun without saying, “When I was young, I suffered so much,” because they know their children will not repeat their path.Their wrinkles would come from time—not from worry.They would watch the sunset without rushing home, because no matter which home they return to, it is truly theirs.

I imagine a day when people at the same table can speak different views without being forced into one voice.Debate becomes repair, not rupture.Different viewpoints fall like seeds into soil—competing for sunlight, but never uprooting one another.

My republic of ideal is small—small enough to hold in one hand.It has no crystal palaces, no golden gates, no miracles from above.It merely allows people to live as human beings—able to lift their heads, shed tears, and laugh freely.

But the more I imagine it, the more a pain sharpens in my chest—like a shard of ice, colder the more I hold it.Because I know: we are separated from that day not by one street or one city, but by a wall so thick it cannot be seen.A wall not built from concrete but from generations of fear and obedience.

Outside the wall, people sing.Inside, people dream with open eyes.In dreams, the sky is bright; awake, the ceiling presses like a stone slab.Some carve their dreams into their hearts; some hide them under pillows; some tear them into scraps and use them as insoles.

I fear that one day, at the end of our lives, we may discover we lived like those ornamental trees in parks—shaped by wires into perfect forms.Branches tidy, leaves uniform, never straying.And when the wires are removed—it is too late. The tree no longer knows how to grow freely.

An ideal republic is not a fairy tale for children.It is the longing adults dare not admit.A longing hidden in every sentence we almost say—but swallow at the last moment.

I believe the day will come.It will not announce itself with festivals, salutes, or slogans.It will arrive quietly—like the first bud swelling on a spring branch, soundless yet transforming the entire tree.

When that day arrives, I hope we still have the strength to lift our heads, and the courage to recognize it.What I fear is—that when it finally comes, we will already be too accustomed to bowing to ever stand upright again.What I fear even more is—that when the day arrives when people of all backgrounds, parties, and beliefs can sit at one table, we will have forgotten how to raise a glass together—and forgotten what it feels like to laugh.